Tonight was faced with another recovery dilemma. I had promise self would increase intake this morning, but the day dragged on, I didn’t get the news I wanted, I got stressed, didn’t get in my steps, etc, etc, etc and ED had taken over. I had no appetite, no hunger, and the guilt of eating grew. I was gonna just call it a night. Call it a mess up day. And go to bed. But the thought of doing that killed me inside. The thought of letting ED win on a day that was laid out perfectly for me to win (ie non-scary weigh in, needing to fuel for waitressing job, healthy options planned)..it tore me apart. Then doing a xmas bible study with family I realized I have to fight so we can have a merry xmas. So I don’t have to spend another xmas in the hospital.
So tonight. I went all in. When ED tried to convince me to only do a slight increase I said F you and went with the larger increase. Sure its 25 vs 50 calories increase but anyone with ANA can tell you that’s a lot. And it gets me back to the amount was eating when came home from hospital.
I thought I would feel guilty but honestly I feel proud. Doing the lower increase still felt like ED because it was still cheating myself. So tonight, just for tonight, I chose the scarier option. I chose the road less travelled. I chose to eat and eat an increased amount even without hunger, without appetite, and without approval. I did it because I knew I had to. Because I knew it was recovery. And because I want something different.
Yes eating more despite the fear and reasons not to scares me. Sure it’s the path less traveled. But hey..like the saying goes…I took the path less traveled and that made all the difference. Here’s to hoping this difference is a good one. Love you all. Keep Fighting.