Find Your Way

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Support Me

Hi everyone and thanks for reading. I would love to be pen pals, craft pals, any kinds of pals. If you would like to as well feel free to contact me. As well, finances are tight for me so if you could kindly share the following links to help financially I would greatly appreciate it.

If there is any way I can help you as well fell free to contact me :)

Love you all! Keep fighting.

Why Recovery?

Written October 21, 2016: Though I didn't write this today, I wanted it to be the first post for this blog because it tells the true desires of my heart. The things I am fighting for. The things we are all fighting for. In the coming days I will also be adding my story here as well as the freedom foods I am working on conquering. Feel free to contact me at any time :)

Oct 21, 2016
I figured the best way to start this blog is the same way I started my true recovery just a few weeks ago. To sit down and write out exactly what I wanted in life. The things I dreamed of that ED robbed me of and so many days blinded me to so I would stay fixated on weights, calories, numbers, and food. ED made me nothing but a number, my dreams nothing but a distant memory, and made my whole world about being thin. Then my whole world came tumbling down, and before I knew it I was a skeletal weight, being forced on feeding tubes, having seizures, heart failure, kidney failure, liver failure, and then having a doctor look me straight in the eyes and tell me if he didn’t remove ¾ of my large intestines (ie, a surgery I most likely would not survive) I would be dead within the hour. I had no one next to me, I was states away from my family, I had spent 10 months in and out of hospitals missing birthdays, Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s, Mother’s and Father’s day, graduation, and just life in general. All to be a lower number on the scale. A number no one but me knew and a number I was ashamed to let anyone know about (because the true Jessica inside knew it would break their hearts). So I want to start this blog remembering why I am starting this blog, recovery, and why I NEED TO and HAVE TO kick ED’s ass every day. One moment, one bite, one breathe at a time. (btw these are in no particular order and will probably be added to as I continue to recover….and if I accomplish any of them I will date it)
I have to recover because I want to:
·         Go to thanksgiving and focus on family not food. To focus on conversation not calories. To eat what is served instead of bringing my own pre-portioned food as I have the past 10 years. To be able not to just watch people eat the food I made, but have it with them
·         Go to family occasions without thinking about or stressing about whether I have exercised
·         To have a dessert spontaneously because I want it without having to plan days in advanced how to fit it into my caloric intake for the day
·         To eat out at restaraunts and trust the nutrition they give me. To enjoy the company without stressing the calories and whether I need to round them up
·         To eat a cupcake and fully enjoy the experience without stressing about how I am going to fit my assumed 700 calories for the cupcake into my intake (a number I came up with because I know it’s most likely too high)
·         To wake up in the morning, hold my husband/kids/dog in my arms, and savor the moment instead of worrying about what my weight will be and if I will be able to eat
·         To go on trips with my boyfriend and us be able to go out to eat
·         To be able to go on trips and enjoy them not because it’s a chance to restrict but because it is a chance to discover new things
·         To go to the grocery store and buy whatever items are on sale, not just my safe and healthy options
·         To get married and have my wedding cake without having to stress all day about it
·         To truly be happy on my birthday
·         To eat my easter candy from this year and to have candy on Halloween
·         To have Christmas cookies because that’s just what humans do
·         To lick my fingers or the bowl when cooking without worrying about the calories
·         To allow myself to try a bite of something or try a sample without having to rush to my calorie app to add 100 calories just in case
·         To inspire others to recover before they get to the rock bottom I had to
·         To write a blog with meaning not just surface level photos of what I eat and the same recurring theme of feeling too fat
·         To hug my family members without them crying because they can feel my bones
·         To make my Mimi proud so she can show me off to her Sunday school
·         To have a fried green tomato with my Mimi
·         To have a relationship with my brother again
·         To have my brother walk me down the aisle at church not in a casket, but in a wedding dress
·         (this one I am ashamed of) To fully engage in taking communion without worrying about the calories or about getting the smallest cracker
·         To have what I want even if I don’t know the calories in it without having to hide it and spit it out (another shameful secret of anorexia called chew and spit)
·         To spend a whole year of holidays at home not in hospitals
·         To prove the docs/nurses at St. Mary’s who believed in me right and the ones at Stanford who said I would never recover wrong
·         To be able to share my testimony of recovery at church
·         To laugh because I am happy, not because I am holding back tears
·         To go to spin class again
·         To allow my mom to be proud when she talks about me, not scared it’s the last time she will be able to talk about me in the present tense
·         To work with children as a social worker
·         To horseback ride
·         To be able to say satan tried to beat me down, but I got back up
·         To be able to say I am recovered
·         To go to my boyfriend’s families house and eat instead of us having to plan visits around how to avoid the topic of food and eating
·         To run a 5K and (eventually) a half marathon
·         To have meaning in my life
·         To be okay with not having my scale with me
·         To be able to eat packaged items without having to have a food scale to measure them
·         To eat any fruit or vegetable I want without weighing it, judging it, or worrying about the calories in it
·         To eat real peanut butter not the powdered kind
·         To be nuts about nuts again
·         To be able to eat something I cook/bake
·         To learn how to grill
·         To go to a crawfish boil with my brother
·         To be able to look my husband in the eyes and say “He/She is ours” as I gaze into the eyes of the child I just birthed, instead of having to look into his eyes and say because I refused to eat for most of my life, I can never have your child…or any child for that matter
·         To be able to ride a roller coaster without having to worry if my heart will give out
·         To go to the doctor without fearing if they will put me in the hospital
·         To go to a job interview for waitressing, nannying, cooking, or being a social worker without having to worry if they will be able to tell if I have an eating disorder and if they will refuse to hire me because of it
·         To be able to go out to eat with co-workers or my boss instead of having to say I am sick or already ate or whatever when invited to luncheons
·         To be able to eat at social work conferences instead of having to bring my own food or restrict all day
·         To go to a treatment center to share my story and journey, not to check myself back in
·         To be all God created me to be instead of just a shell of a human being
·         To take medicine without worrying about the calories
·         To chew gum without worrying about the calories
·         To have diet soda and sweeteners without worrying about the calories
·         To be able to go to drive-thrus or restaraunts because it is convenient, instead of being stranded with no options
·         To take my mom to Disney World
·         To save up enough money to buy my mom a condo on the beach
·         To be able to go back to my alma matar UGA and see my old professors and tell them of all the good things I am doing with the knowledge and faith they gave me, instead of having to avoid eye contact so they don’t see I’ve relapsed
·         To go to study groups and potlucks because they are fun, not avoid them because they involve food
·         To do the MS150 with my brother
·         To stop hurting people and starting healing people
·         To be something other than just an anorexic