Find Your Way

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Motivation in the strangest places

It’s strange what causes you to be Image result for life beyond anorexiamotivated. Today…it was getting hired again as a waitress. I know, it sounds stupid but I LOVE being a waitress. It’s like my favorite job. You get to interact with so many people and can really make their day. Family meals are so important and I feel so blessed to be a part of so many. But I also realize right now I look sick….and people will think things. I also know I can’t be the best waitress I can be and give them the best experience they deserve without fueling my body…and yes, maybe even gaining a little weight.

I also realized that ED has robbed me a lot of being capable. People don’t want to hire me because of the skeleton anorexia has left behind. Because I look sick and incapable. Inside I know I am beyond capable, but people don’t even want to hire me for hourly jobs. Jobs I used to easily book. And it’s not because of me, it’s because of this disease. I am still the capable Jess, but this skeleton left behind doesn’t make me seem very capable.

And my dream, to be a teacher or work in schools….it’s impossible looking like a skeleton too. And though I know I say and ED convinces me I’m fat or look big….I know deep down someone at my weight and height can’t look that way. I weigh as little as a 6 year old….and that’s not okay. It’s not okay for an adult to weigh what a child weighs and still refuse to eat.

So today my weight was up….but I am keeping my intake up too. I am keeping my steps down. I am choosing to fuel my body, my future, my dreams. I am choosing to do the adult thing and eat. I am choosing to believe eating is okay and I am choosing to recover. Because I am more than a scale. My life is more than numbers. And I deserve to be better.

One bite at a time. One breath at a time. One prayer at a time.
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