It’s strange what causes you to be motivated. Today…it was getting hired again as a waitress. I know, it sounds stupid but I LOVE being a waitress. It’s like my favorite job. You get to interact with so many people and can really make their day. Family meals are so important and I feel so blessed to be a part of so many. But I also realize right now I look sick….and people will think things. I also know I can’t be the best waitress I can be and give them the best experience they deserve without fueling my body…and yes, maybe even gaining a little weight.
I also realized that ED has robbed me a lot of being capable. People don’t want to hire me because of the skeleton anorexia has left behind. Because I look sick and incapable. Inside I know I am beyond capable, but people don’t even want to hire me for hourly jobs. Jobs I used to easily book. And it’s not because of me, it’s because of this disease. I am still the capable Jess, but this skeleton left behind doesn’t make me seem very capable.
And my dream, to be a teacher or work in schools….it’s impossible looking like a skeleton too. And though I know I say and ED convinces me I’m fat or look big….I know deep down someone at my weight and height can’t look that way. I weigh as little as a 6 year old….and that’s not okay. It’s not okay for an adult to weigh what a child weighs and still refuse to eat.
So today my weight was up….but I am keeping my intake up too. I am keeping my steps down. I am choosing to fuel my body, my future, my dreams. I am choosing to do the adult thing and eat. I am choosing to believe eating is okay and I am choosing to recover. Because I am more than a scale. My life is more than numbers. And I deserve to be better.
One bite at a time. One breath at a time. One prayer at a time.