Tonight was faced with another recovery dilemma. I had
promise self would increase intake this morning, but the day dragged on, I didn’t
get the news I wanted, I got stressed, didn’t get in my steps, etc, etc, etc
and ED had taken over. I had no appetite, no hunger, and the guilt of eating
grew. I was gonna just call it a night. Call it a mess up day. And go to bed.
But the thought of doing that killed me inside. The thought of letting ED win
on a day that was laid out perfectly for me to win (ie non-scary weigh in,
needing to fuel for waitressing job, healthy options planned)..it tore me
apart. Then doing a xmas bible study with family I realized I have to fight so
we can have a merry xmas. So I don’t have to spend another xmas in the hospital.
So tonight. I went all in. When ED tried to convince me to
only do a slight increase I said F you and went with the larger increase. Sure
its 25 vs 50 calories increase but anyone with ANA can tell you that’s a lot.
And it gets me back to the amount was eating when came home from hospital.
I thought I would feel guilty but honestly I feel proud.
Doing the lower increase still felt like ED because it was still cheating
myself. So tonight, just for tonight, I chose the scarier option. I chose the
road less travelled. I chose to eat and eat an increased amount even without
hunger, without appetite, and without approval. I did it because I knew I had
to. Because I knew it was recovery. And because I want something different.
Yes eating more despite the fear and reasons not to scares
me. Sure it’s the path less traveled. But hey..like the saying goes…I took the
path less traveled and that made all the difference. Here’s to hoping this
difference is a good one. Love you all. Keep Fighting.
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